A Mish-Mash of Magic Items

Submitted by Mapache on Sun, 2010-05-16 01:02

D&D has a fine tradition of bizarre, useless magical items. Here's a collection bizarre, slightly useful ones with non-obvious applications:

Sling Bulettes
These smooth stone spheres look like normal ammunition for throwing from a sling. Once launched, they transmute in mid-air into a landshark. It is fully alive, and rather angry about having been freeze-dried and stored in your backpack. It is advisable to leave the area before it is done taking out part of its anger on the target of your sling, as it still has more anger left.
The Edge of Decay
Despite the awesome name, this is really just an enchanted kitchen knife with a six-inch blade. When used to slice any food item, the food magically transmutes itself to a state of being just about to go bad. Bread becomes slightly stale, cheese is a touch moldy, vegetable are limp, and meat tastes slightly off. This is the case no matter if the ingredient was fresh or if it's the desiccated husk of moldy remains years old. The sliced food is always safe to eat, but never tasty. As a safety precaution, the knife's enchantment has no effect on living beings. (Though it can be handy for confounding forensics in murder investigations.)
The Fifty-Foot Rope
This coil of hempen rope is fifty feet long. At every foot of its length, it has attached a life-sized woven replica of a human foot (alternating left and right). If laid out on the ground and commanded, the feet begin to march until told to stop. They are capable of pulling whatever the rope is attached to with the force of twenty-five adult humans. Apart from replacing pack animals, it's very handy for cheating at tug-of-war, though rather obvious when you do so. There also exists the Fifty-Foot Rope Trick which is identical, except that the feet march straight up, somehow finding solid footholds in empty air, and cannot be commanded to move along the ground instead.
Door Spikes
These appear to be ordinary metal spikes. When pounded into a solid surface, a door will spring into being beside the spike, leading through the surface, however thick it may be. The spike then loses its magical properties, but is still spiked into the jamb of the door, preventing it from being opened until the spike is removed.
Iron Rations
Each of these small, wrapped, surprisingly-heavy bundles contains exactly as much iron as you need, for whatever purpose you had in mind. Want to make a sword? It's got two or three pounds. Want to make a battleship? It somehow has just enough. You have to have a single, specific purpose in mind that needs genuine iron, not just any old heavy thing. Selling enough iron to become fabulously wealthy is not a specific purpose. The iron itself is rough and unworked, and will require the services of a smith to turn into whatever you had in mind. If you change your mind before the project is complete, the iron will get mysteriously lost before you can repurpose it.
The Fat Lute
This is a very large stringed instrument, heavy enough that it can be lugged around, but just barely. Its deep, mellow tone is pleasing and resonant. If actively played the entire time from when you meet a foe to when you have defeated him, then you will discover that his body was carrying far more treasure than you suspected, and similarly if played from when you enter an area to when you discover any treasure it might contain, that too will be miraculously multiplied several times over. It has no disadvantages, other than those which come with trying to convince a talented musician to keep playing a barely-portable instrument in the middle of a raging battle.
Cursing Armor
Very different from Cursed Armor, this is actually fine magical armor, of excellent craftsmanship and with magical bonuses to protection. Its name comes from the curse emblazoned across the chest in runes of glowing magical flame that shine through any covering. They are in the pure celestial tongue, and can be understood by all sentient beings. What they say is completely beyond the pale and utterly unacceptable in civilized society. Anyone seeing them will be shocked by their transcendental rudeness.
The Vile Vial
This glass container radiates magic, and appears to contain a potion. Upon sampling, it turns out to be odorless, but taste so disgusting the character tasting it must make a saving throw to avoid vomiting. The liquid turns out to be ordinary water, affected by the magic of the container. Any liquid placed within will instantly and irrevocably develop the most foul and disgusting flavor imaginable, and be completely undrinkable. It smells normal, and cannot be distinguished by another means than its horrific taste.
Halaster the Master Caster's Blaster of Faster Disaster
This device takes the form of a small firearm, resembling a very short arquebuss or a handgun with a widely flared mouth. It has no visible means of loading ammunition. When the trigger is pulled, it fires a major calamity from the end. This can take the form of planet-killer meteors, volcanic supercalderas, fatal airborne cross-species plagues, interdimensional invasions by relentless unstoppable killing machines, and other fun ways to wreck your planet and possibly end civilization or life as you know it. (The DM may roll on Appendix 22-C.4, the Random Catastrophe Table, or pick as appropriate.) Anyone firing it, and anyone within several dozen miles, is guaranteed swift, certain death immediately upon use. It's only been fired once, causing the Spellplague, which is about as mild it gets.
The Random Harlot Table
These devices take the form of a sturdy table, often a coffee table or end table, typically made of oak and engraved with suggestive imagery of lust. Whenever anyone rolls any dice upon the table, it transmutes into a random harlot, brazen strumpet, cheap trollop, or other appropriate lady of the night, always of the die-roller's race. It will remain to do the summoner's bidding until the sun next crosses the horizon, either dusk or dawn, at which point it reverts into a table, ready to be used again. By cheating at the die roll, the owner may influence the quality of harlot summoned.
Hold of Bagging
This item is, in fact, a stone fortress of moderate size, and thus completely non-portable. Anyone attempting to exit the fortress while carrying a load of loose items, either in their arms or in a wagon or other transport, will find that the items have been bundled up and placed in bags made of a thin but surprisingly tough white substance that weighs next to nothing. While handy when looting the keep, sometimes, it does a good job of bagging things up, and other times it places the gold bullion on top of the glass potion bottles. The hold itself appears to have the ruins of an ancient marketplace within its courtyard.
Nonportable Hole
This items is a hole in the ground. It radiates magic. Successfully disbelieving in it will allow you to walk over it as if it did not exist.
Wand of Winder
A thin metal rod about a foot in length, it has a pair of large, flat, butterfly-like loops at one end, and the other end of the rod has a slot cut across it. If touched to any mechanical device, you can power the device by turning the wand around its axis.
Rod of Lordly Fright
This is the most terrifying stick you've ever seen. You can barely stand to look at it. Even thinking about it sitting in your backpack gives you a case of the heebie-jeebies. If you can get over it, you might be able to find a use for tactical deployment of the willies. *shudder*